The Love of a child. Whether we are demonstrating?
This belief is the very consequence of the desire of parents to see that children achieved good results in everything he undertakes. We all want our children enjoy success and were pleased with myself.
However, we must understand that it is difficult to distinguish between approval and disapproval of what they do and who they are as individuals. In other words, praise the parents for some kind of achievement the child can receive as a sign of love. It is also possible the reverse situation. Disapproval, condemnation, the child may perceive as an attempt to cast him as a manifestation of the lack of love from parents. This trend first inherent in younger children.
Children desperately want to feel that parents love and accept them for what they are, regardless of victory or defeat they suffered at that moment. This important phenomenon is called ” unconditional love “. In short, unconditional love means that our children feel that we will never, under any circumstances, will not cease to love them. Can approve or not to take specific actions, the behavior of the child, but love for him should remain inviolable.
My patients this phenomenon is often commented on as follows: “Our child, of course, knows that we love him”. In response, I always ask them, “How would he know that?” I repeat: the child is difficult to distinguish what the parents are angry, because they don’t love him. It was therefore the duty of parents is to make sure the child understands the difference and knows what and love him unconditionally.
Parents can show unconditional love to children in different ways. Whenever possible, check your approval or disapproval of a particular behavior of the child is not identical with love or its absence. Especially you have to explain the difference to younger children. If the child, for example, breaking a very expensive vase, you can help with these words: “I’m not mad. I’m just nervous because this vase was long ago”.
Is to Express approval or condemnation of the actions, behaviors, not people.
Statements such as “You’re such a good guy” or “You were terrible”, will not help to change the child’s behavior, but can cause a child begins to confuse love with approval. But words such as “I liked that you helped to wash the dishes without being asked” is much more effective and clearer from General statements. Claiming baby in his love even when he had done nothing worthy of your attention, we bring to him that our love is not based solely on his achievements.
I learned what grudge can cause misunderstanding of unconditional love, when was watching his daughter in basketball. Some little girl from the opposing team gave a poor pass to a friend from his team, and the ball flew over the site. Coach immediately made a short break and began to scream at the girl. The girl from this very excited.
During the game the coach was more and more angry at this girl and was yelling at her through the whole site. Began to call her “stupid” and “lazy”. And at the end of the game didn’t even look at a girl who is not held back tears. Then it turned out that the coach was the father!
What do you think this experience taught child? Or she learned something about how to succeed in life? How do you think this episode has affected the self-esteem of girls?
Let me repeat: when love depends on certain conditions, i.e., it is conditional, it has a particularly negative impact on younger children. About a year ago I visited the neighbors in the country. We all sat in the gazebo, laughing and joking. The couple, in whose house was the adoption, Packed bed of his three sons. Half an hour passed, and the baby came back to us. His father, clearly exasperated, roared: “damn you, I told you that you didn’t get up!” The child quickly ran away.
After a few minutes I went to the toilet. And there, suddenly came upon a boy who sat in and cried. I stopped to ask him why he was crying, and confused the boy returned the tear-stained face in my direction and asked, “do you think my dad still loves me?”
Although the examples certain extent dramatic, but they well illustrate what happens when parents do not show respect to their children unconditional love. But even delicate situation in which, though there is a love addiction conditions, may have on the child of a powerful negative impact.
The manifestation of love to the child
Children whose parents are surrounded by unconditional love, feel safer and have more self-esteem. They become more self-confident and more likely to rely on their inner strength and capabilities. But children who feel that the love of parents depends on their specific behavior, insecure, and dependent on external approval and recognition.
Relying on external sources of self-value children as a result become vulnerable to criticism and the environment. Many of the adults who in childhood were subjected to the influence of conditional love like a man possessed looking for approval and recognition, making career or frequently changing their sphere of communication. Always lack of praise, they feel that they are never good enough, perfect. Unfortunately, such people are taught that one should define themselves by their own achievements.
However, there are absolutely other children — those whose parents gave unconditional love. They differ from other children carefree confidence and a high resistance to stress. They are open, willing to accept new ideas and be more prepared for unexpected situations.
Adults to whom a child’s parents is treated with unconditional love, as a rule, calm and internally ordered. They better withstand criticism, and due to the strong sense of self-value and preferred to rely on themselves than on others. In short, unconditional love, which endows our children, — it’s a great investment. Besides, it’s just nice and effective!